There is the Micromanager, and then there is his more terrifying, atomic-level evolution: the Nanomanaging Newt.
His aim is to control every breath you take and every move you make.
You’ll spot him scurrying between desks, not just checking your work but dictating your lunch choices. “Soup only,” he chitters nervously, “sandwiches make people sluggish. And while we’re at it, no milk in that coffee—dairy clouds judgment.”
The Nanomanaging Newt can’t simply assign tasks. He must choreograph every k-e-y-s-t-r-o-k-e, approve every bathroom break, and personally review the greetings in your internal emails.
But this paranoid creature started life as something entirely different.
Once upon a time, he was just an insecure employee plagued by imposter syndrome, desperately trying to prove he belonged. He worked ridiculous hours, tried his best to overdeliver on everything, and, despite being quite competent, lived in constant fear that someone would discover he had no idea what he was doing.
Then something unexpected happened:
He got promoted.
Suddenly, his insecurities were projected onto an entire team. He could not allow others to blow his chances of being seen as competent. So, not by design but driven by a deep fear of failure, he started controlling every variable. He monitored each decision and inserted himself into every process to ensure nothing could go wrong.
Over time, this behaviour warped his perspective. The Newt now genuinely believes he alone knows how things should be done and sees everyone else as less competent. This extends to clients too. “Don’t listen to what the clients are saying!” he whispers frantically, “They know nothing! Listen to me, I know what their businesses really need.”
He has become utterly indispensable — in his own mind. His internal monologue is a constant loop: “How would they do without me? They couldn’t possibly survive! It would all fall apart.” In his twisted worldview, the company would collapse if he stopped controlling every decision, and he feels deeply under-appreciated for his heroic efforts.
Meanwhile, this behaviour drives away competent colleagues and creates the exact sluggishness he fears. By controlling every decision, he ensures no one takes initiative. By not listening to their ideas and letting them experiment, he is halting their professional development. By hoarding information, he guarantees they remain incapable of making good choices on their own.
In the end, he engineers the very disaster he sought to prevent:
He is left overworked and frantic, surrounded by an underperforming team, and disliked by peers who watched him systematically eliminate anyone capable of independent thought.
Greatest Hits:
🍲 “Soup only for lunch. Solid food makes people drowsy.”
📞 “Don’t listen to the client. Listen to me! I know what’s best for them!”
👀 “I need to check that your email signature gives off the right vibe.”
📋 “Why did you answer that question without checking in first?”
🎯 “Why do I have to tell you how to do everything?”
