Next stop in our tour through the graveyard of corporate culture: The Customer Journey Jaguar, and he is hunting you.
You will spot his glowing eyes in the darkness of analytics dashboards, tracking every pixel of your movement with the patient intensity of a predator who knows exactly when to strike.
This is not casual observation. It is methodical stalking.
His natural instinct is not customer service but customer surveillance. He doesn’t simply want to understand you; he wants to dissect your digital soul, catalogue every impulse… to rebuild your entire existence into the perfect conversion funnel.
The Customer Journey Jaguar has been watching you for weeks through heat maps that record where you looked, session recordings that capture every click, and behavioral algorithms that know you hesitated for precisely 0.3 seconds on Tuesday morning. He has built an entire psychological profile around that single moment of uncertainty, mapping your digital DNA like a forensic scientist studying a crime scene.
You never see him coming. One moment you’re browsing innocently, the next he pounces with a “personalised experience” that’s been A/B tested on 100 carefully selected users who match your exact emotional and behavioral usage pattern. He has studied your digital scent, learnt your purchasing rhythms, and profiled deep set anxieties you didn’t even know you had.
His greatest fear? It is not losing a sale, it is you buying the wrong product! When customers purchase something that doesn’t match his algorithms, the customer is to blame. You were supposed to buy the basic package, not the premium one. His entire worldview crumbles when reality refuses to conform to his behavioral algorithms.
Most people have no idea they’re being hunted until it’s far too late. By then, the Jaguar has already pounced, captured you in his perfectly optimized maze of behavioral manipulation, and devoured your free will entirely.
You find yourself clicking exactly what his models predicted you would click, as it is the only path remaining open to you.
You thought you needed pants? Wrong! Here’s a Wifi enabled air fryer.
Toys for the kids for Christmas? Not really what you want. He knows you better: Enjoy a special offer on cat food.
It’s a shopping experience so perfectly optimized that you will end up shopping elsewhere just to get what you actually wanted.
Greatest hits:
👁️ “We need deeper behavioral tracking—I want to know what they’re thinking”
📱 “User switched devices mid-session—we’re losing attribution visibility”
📊 “The heat map shows a 2-pixel deviation from optimal gaze trajectory”
🎯 “We are missing key emotional data from the micro-hesitation phase”
📈 “I’ve been watching session recordings all night and found something disturbing”
🚨 “The customer bought Premium instead of Basic! We have failed!”
This post is part of the Zoo of Corporate Failure series, which aims to highlight what happens with the absence of a cohesive company culture. More background here.
